There are undoubtedly many mysteries in this world but being a Christian is right up there with the best of them. And I’m blowed if I can make any sense of it. It’s like being given the best map on the world and then getting lost. Or finding the love of your life and then discovering that you were allergic to it.
For instance, Jesus said blessed is the man who leaves his family and friends for me. Great you think, note to self; follow Jesus first. Then he says, seek first the kingdom of God, and you put that one on the list. Then he goes on to say, don’t worry about money (rock on); just have faith (tick); don’t worry about clothes (okey dokey); care for the poor, the needy, the outcast (poor, needy, outcast). And off you go, only to turn up a few years later as an accountant in Birmingham.
However, now you kind of need those clothes - smart clothes, and seeing as you also need a house you have to go and be worldly and get a mortgage. Which means you have a whole bunch of debt and it would be a very bad witness to default on any house bills. So the whole thing about not worrying about money goes out of the double glazed window. Reading about Jesus is like dipping into a mythical world where miracles really do happen and he’s calling out of the pages of the Bible to me ‘come on’ only I can’t find a way to reach him.
But all is not lost, even though I’m a Brummie accountant I can still do my bit. I can still care about the poor and needy; but they are either drug addicts or chuggers. And I’m not sure if giving them money is really helping. I offer to pray and tell them about Jesus but no one’s gets the sort of entranced, teary eyed bliss that should accompany the sort of shattering revelations I’m giving out for free. I’m saying become like me I’m free, and then rush back to the office where the back biting and bickering leave me feeling slightly embarrassed to make too much of my being a Christian. I feel as if the only difference between them and me is I’m trying to make my way in the world by sticking to a moral standard, which I can’t quite attain. Whilst they do whatever they want. They call me a hypocrite.
With all the uncertainties I’m not sure what following Jesus is anymore. It’s not money, or things, or family, or friends. It’s the poor and the needy but they don’t want anything I have, other than my money. It’s salvation and freedom but if I’m saved it’s a funny sort of saved and I know I’m not free. I was ready to die for the cause and then realised that I couldn’t even find the cause. And instead wondered around a bit trying to find something useful to do, and then drifted back into ordinary life. I still treasure the map but I can’t find the treasure.
